Don't Need No Playeration in This Dancerie
A lesson learned from non-human species on the process of choosing a mate
Did he leave you on read again? Maybe he hasn’t quite gotten to it yet because he had to run to the bathroom and jumped in the shower immediately after opening it. Yeah, that must be it. But then Bruno, his French bulldog, rustled into a discarded chocolate Easter egg wrapper in the kitchen while he was mid-shower, got nauseatingly sick, and had to be rushed to the animal ER at midnight. And he didn’t want to leave Bruno there by his lonesome overnight because he has severe bouts of separation anxiety and resultant explosive diarrhea so he stayed with him into the wee morning hours…and proceeded to do so the next day…and the next day. Although you saw who appeared to be little Bruno shredding a toilet paper roll on his sister Jane’s Instagram story just this morning, looking his usual bright and mischievous self…He’s just been really busy, okay? With the dog and work and gym and family. He’s only got two hands. There’s only so much a mortal man can do!
The list of excuses can go on ad infinitum. Someone who makes you their priority doesn’t find excuses. They find ways. Ways to reach out to you. To talk to you. To acknowledge you. To ask how your day was or if you need help. To show you how much they care. To BE with you. Even if it’s just to sit near your infectious energy for 30 minutes. Excuses only do two things: 1) waste your time and 2) keep you at the edge of your psychological seat. These mind games, the toying and manipulation, are classic forms of control. It’s the way in which he keeps the ball in his court. He dictates when he sees you because, let’s face it, after not hearing from him for a few days, your tether is stretched so thin that you feel like a ravenous junkyard dog launching at an extended hand offering a fat turkey bone after a week of starved communication. You become reactive rather than proactive. Launching at any opportunity he so generously offers to hang out. And, really, this is all made possible by our propensity to forgive. (Which you can thank your flaky Homo sapien memory for) This fleeting storage capacity is what gets you into trouble. You forget to forgive. Over and over and over again. And sympathy is actually a really endearing feminine quality. But is also the underlying reason why we tend to put up with larger loads of other people’s bullshit for far longer than we deserve to. Until before you know it, you’ve wasted at least four months of your precious time on finding justification for every one of his lame excuses instead of giving the nice guy at the dog park a chance to take you to dinner. And you’ve seen the non-committer maybe six times over the course of those four months. One being a drive-by at 4 AM on a Tuesday to borrow a hundred dollars…no, I’m not speaking from personal experience…
…it just sank in that I’m not getting that back.
But, god, you’re worth so much more than that! Why are you entertaining these good-for-nothing-but-a-good-times? And now, before my male readers pull out their big red this-is-as-misandrous-as-blog-posts-get stamp, I’ll assure you that there are incredible catches out there. Seriously. The redemptive men that pick up the rest of the male demographic’s (I’m looking at you, millenials) slack. Some being just as incredible as you, in fact.
Ladies, at an evolutionary biological level, you need to understand this: the male gender and its fairly unchanged primitive brain were built to chase YOU. It’s never been the other way around. This is why male specimens of a vast swath of the animal kingdom don the fancy feathers, fins, furs, and antlers. Not the ladies. The females don’t have to expend nearly as much costly energy developing these flashy secondary sexual characteristics to get noticed. Because males have to compete for a female’s attention. All she has to do is show up with her freaking ovaries! And be her effortlessly self-assured and innately sexy self. And for men, it’s a labor of love. For example: a male lion’s mane is an indicator of health and potency. Darker, fuller manes are indicative of a healthy male with plenty of testosterone to spare. Like catnip to a pride of roving lionesses. But, there’s a trade-off at work. (Yes, as lazy as they may appear, even male lions do make sacrifices) These darker and significantly lusher manes make him overheat faster under the relentless equatorial African sun. If you’ve ever lived or been anywhere near the equator, you know damn well how unbearably hot it can be. But, for Simba, it’s totally worth it if it gets Nala’s attention. And that’s just the beginning! Now he has to trail those extremely suggestive feline hips across the African savannah until she gives him the “papi, you earned it” go ahead. There are very few exceptions to this rule in the animal kingdom…which, fyi, you are also a part of whether you’d like to admit it or not. And I do hope you want to after this exhausting spiel.
Men were built to pursue. Instinctually, they are hunters. And if he’s driven (which he hopefully is) he will pursue you with the same tenacity and focus he does any other goal he deems worthy of his time and efforts. Ambitious men don’t waste their time. And, let’s face it, you don’t want to be affiliated with a man that doesn’t know what he wants. If he wants to try every flavor of cookie in the cookie jar, it screams a heterogeneous mixture of immaturity (or lack of self-control) and indecision.
You want them to come more like Ash Ketchum. Decisive: “Pikachu, I choose you!” This is why Ash and Pikachu have never been in a situationship. And never will be.
If he’s interested, he’ll find a way. If he’s not, he’ll find an excuse. No if’s, and’s, or maybe’s about it. And girls chase men. Women don’t. Because women know it grinds against every last shred of chromosomal fiber in their ancestral DNA. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it.
Disclaimer: I’m also not implying that you should intentionally make his pursuit experience a living hell.
Sincerely,
a picky Virgo woman
